Opalescence

We have blue for sadness
Yellow for happiness
Green for envy
Red for passion

But today, I feel opalescent. A play of colors. Mixed emotions.

Today, colleagues are about to take their professional oath. A very significant day for them. It would have also for me if I didn’t choose the road less taken. I kept telling my heart “All is well. No regrets.” I feel happy for them starting to live their dreams. I feel sad that this means goobyes. My friends will go back to theirs province, others will find job opportunities somewhere else and a few would leave the country. Almost impossible to reach them after today. I feel some regret that I could have been with them today in a formal attire taking my oath to serve the country. But no.

I promised to see them after the program. For congratulations and goodbyes. I fear that I might get too emotional. But mostly I have no idea how to face them. We’ve been together for 4 years surviving each class at the same pace and then I drifted apart.

How will this day turn out? I just went from my night duty and now waiting for them to meet me? What if they don’t come and leave unceremoniously?

I guess that opalescence will turn pitch black.

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A Wallflower

I had thought about this for a while. I think I am a wallflower.

I’ve read that wallflowers are introverts but participates in social activities and interacts well with other people. They also seem to be a keen observer of the “social” environment. They know a lot based from these observations.

After scrolling through my feed at facebook, seeing everything that happens to my friends I asked myself “Am I the only person feeling that I am constant or my life is constant?” Major changes rarely happens to me or so I think.

When I see my friends personally, I can see a lot of changes but keep my mouth shut. Their hair, eyes, smile, new haircut, suddenly applying make up etc. I choose not to be vocal about it. I can tell if someone is sad, happy, brokenhearted and pissed of just by looking or by asking a few questions. Most of the time they end up sharing the problems they are trying to hide.

I always have this urge know about other people. Though I hear rumors, I don’t believe them easily and I want to hear it from the person or if it was a bad attitude I have to experience it first. When that person being talked about proves that the rumors are true, I just pretend I just found out (well actually I sort of found out because it is finally confirmed)

I spend a lot of my time alone, thinking or reflecting things over. I can stay at home without being bored or lonely. I either watch movies, draw, read or play. In family gatherings or parties I can spend the entire night not talking to anybody. I am not a snob, I’m just not the type who starts conversations with someone not in my inner circles. This goes the same when I was in school. I just find the feeling of being alone immaculate.

I am an introvert. I don’t hate people, I’m just not comfortable  drawing the attention of a lot of people. I’m not a snob,  I just can’t think of an opening statement so Im not used to starting conversations. I’m not dumb either, I have normal range of vocabulary I just don’t find the apprpriate time to use them and If I do it is very concise.  The world is noisy I believe, and there is no need to add unnecessary noise to it.

I’m a wallflower.

An Unfinished Debate

I arrived home after my night duty hoping to have good night (or in this case “day” sleep). Unfortunately for my ever so wandering mind stumbled one of my unfinished arguments in the past.

“Can you love two persons at the same time and same degree?”

A concept I easily dismissed with a “No” The concept was introduced by my ex girlfriend (yes I did have one). It never occurred to me that I can love two persons at the same time with the same degree. Which is her belief because at that time she was in love with me and unconditionally loving someone else bordering into martyrdom. Anyway, it didn’t bother me. I love her. I loved her that is all that matters. Back to the topic.

Can you love two persons? I ask myself.

If No, I can’t think of any explanation. Have I been enslaved by the popular idea of monogamy or the notion of soulmates that I am unable to think rational explanation to my answer and dismiss the idea as entirely preposterous? That is not me. I prefer to understand things in depth much like when I choose yes for this question.

If yes, I think It can be likened to your love to your parents but the question that bothers me most is “can your love be equal to both?” of course not. I love my parents but I’m much closer to my mother even if I love my father. But if I say no then I am suggesting that love can be quantified which opposes another belief of mine which is Love cannot be quantified. If I say yes, a present myself with a classic dilemma. The boat is sinking in the middle of the ocean I am with two precious persons in my life. The only way for most of us to live is to push someone out and let him or her drown. It is clear that whoever I choose to stay with me is person whom I love more.

And the cyle goes back looking for an appropriate answer…..so for now I settle for….

“I guess it is much easier to tell someone you love them than telling them how much you love them. The difference lie between what you let them know and what you let them feel.”

Rights

” I live in a world where the victims are deprived of their rights while the criminals responsible for that have their rights protected by the authorities.”

Such a crappy reality in my opinion.

It’s all over the news. You have murderers protected from being mugged, burglars placed in the cell and rapist taken into custody. I’ll be totally honest I don’t understand much about the law or Human rights but I believe rights are for people who deserves them and knows how to use it and not abuse it.

I feel this certain angst everytime I watch news and see someone gets arrested for brutally murdering someone and they get place in jail with their faces covered with anything they can thing of. While the victim is barely recognized by the grieving family. The criminals placed in cells for them to rot the rest of their lives while the victime is placed in a closed casket. The criminal waits for his trial to be freed while the grieving family wait for the trial to get justice but the pain of having someone in the family murdered last forever.

The main argument here is “what if the suspect is innocent?”doesn’t he deserve the those rights? Of course he does. But my rant is for those who are obvious criminals. Accusations supported by evidence and caught committing the crime.

(sigh)

….I feel relieved already 🙂

Attraction(Or Whatever you call it)

This post involves severe admiration or infatuation to some people. Please be guided accordingly.

First, let us discuss my jpop fandom. I am a fan of Hey!Say!JUMP and Nakayama Yuma. Within HSJ, i am severely biased To Chinen Yuri.

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Chinen's Hottest Photo so far

I just love his voice, those japanese eyes, that goofy smile (shown below), his graceful dance (he had ballet lessons), and he is into gymnastics. I also love how small he is and his dorkiness behind the scenes.he always makes me smile when ever I see him.

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Next is someone frome my life, I cant post his photos here but I’ve got the longest crush on him.  My admiration towards him is much longer that his current relationship with his girlfriend. I had a crush on EJ for more than 3 years, he’s been with his girlfriend for like 2 years. But that doesnt matter anyway, I am strangely happy for them(even if it hurts sometimes). I knew him when I was a sophomore. The story is quite interesting.

When I first saw EJ I didn’t know his name but I can’t stop looking at him. I tried searching his name but no one knows him. It is as if I am the only one who saw him. I liked that mysterious part of him. Since then I searched for his name and tried to have a glimpse of him everyday. I was finally introduced to him when my ex-girlfriend became his classmate(yes. I am friends with my ex). He started to join the group and I was finally introduced to him. Boy oh boy I am so happy when I finally said Hi to him without even sounding such a weirdo but my smile is too wide and kept telling corny jokes. Such a dorky day for me..

I love his black eyes, his meek smile, his deep voice, talk stature, his slow movements and the mystery that envelopes him. He either spends time with his girlfriend or a lot of time alone. I admire his fidelity. I love him more because he is near me and it is more possible to have a conversation with him than Chinen. He plays the guitar too.

I cannot share his face but his smile can be enough.

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I miss you already.

First Day of Work.

I don’t know if it’s work that  I am doing or just helping out. I currently work as a cashier in our family business. Funny, I am a graduate of a course inclined in medicine and I work as a cashier/office clerk. While waiting to get my license to practice this is much better compared to doing nothing at all.

Our canten caters in a call center. I had been always fascinated with their jobs. At first I thought they were sort of cranky because they work at night and lack sleep. But they were not and only a few are cranky and that was understandable. They have a great sense of humor and reminded me of my internship at the hospital.

Ialso felt comfortable because a lot of them belong to the third sex. Theu are comfortable about it. They can also wear pajamas to work. Their job fascinates me but I’m not that fluent with conversational english. I said to myself back when I was an undergraduate that I wanna try working as a call center agent. WhenI told my friends this, they found it absurd. Well, dreamers gotta dream.

“Thank you for giving the exact amount, Sir!”