“You Bring Color into my Life”

Ever since I was a child I loved watching anime. As I get older I watch animes that I can relate to, thus having a more mature plots. During my last years in college, I had been fascinated by animes with protagonists that seem to be bored with their life (and wears a pair of glasses except for oreki) like…

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Guys from Sakamichi no Apollon, Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso and Hyouka

I can deeply relate to them. Living in what seemed to be the endless cycle of day and night, school and home. Submerged in the deep thought. Living a routined or scripted life. As Kousei puts it a “Monotone”, Oreki “Black and white” and Nishimi “It will soon be over.” they are introverts, preferring small groups of people or none at all. Escaping the crowd. Not much into rigorous physical activities like sports.
But then they changed when they meet….

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….someone that disturbs the tranquil but colorless life. Someone who doesn’t seem to care to break the barrier they put up. Someone that fascinated them, made them blush, eyes sparkle, puts them at peace but different from their colorless life. It seemed like the strings of fate had bound them to a long lasting relationship. Since then these protagonists had done things they started doing new things or old thing they had stopped doing. Finally their character develops complexity living a better colorful life…

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Maybe the reason behind my fascination to these animes is that I long for someone who will make my life colorful just like theirs. I know it is childish to believe that fiction can become reality, but we are free to dream I believe. Even though I live through my everyday reality, I am still hoping for the possibility that someone who will add color into my life will come….

…again. if given the chance, we’ll paint the masterpiece our life together.

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To my Dearest

I saw a picture of you today. The one that your brother uploaded. He wasn’t in my friend list so I had to go to his profile to see it, as I usually do to just to see if he has uploaded a new photo of you since you’re not the kind of person who brags about your looks and might not even know that you are.

Again, I am reduced to drawing happiness from a still image of you. I don’t know until when I will do this but I have decided that one day I’ll stop and tell you how I feel. By then I’m sure I’ll be ready to accept the worse reaction you may give. (well, blocking me, unfriending me or doing everything to deprive me of any news from you)

Just so you know I had been admiring you for almost four years now. Just a bit earlier when you met the person you love today. I don’t mind that to be honest because ever since I had this feeling towards you I have accepted the natural way of things and how you deserve to have  normal one. I’ve liked you for this long most probably not wanting a fairytale but to be part of your life.  I know it would take a miracle to have a romatic relationship with you but just to be part of your life, a friend, is not as impossible. I tried anyway but anything with you fall short. You transferred to another school to follow her. I cannot argue with that.

Just so you know I was entranced by you eyes alone. Emphasized with the thick framed eye glasses you wore the first time I met you. The simplicity to your get up. I was entirely swallowed by the mystery behind you. You barely talk to anyone, have a handful of friends and basically know only a little about you. What they know all in common is that you love her so much. I say she is very lucky and not one bit did I say that she doesn’t deserve you. You love her and that is enough for me to say that.

I’ve dreamt of us being together. As simple as that. Sharing our doodles after we have lunch. Passing a thought notebook in between class, just to amuse ourselves when we get bored in a lesson. I’ve imagined how it would sound like if you played your guitar and I tried singing the songs you since I know singing is not one of your strengths. And just to keep me from one of those sad days, I simply thought that you would pass by and sit beside me. I find happiness in your simple existence.

I said to myself that if androids were real and in the market, I would model it into your image just to satisfy this longing for you. In your perspective this is weird and utterly gross. But just so you know, I never had perversed thoughts about you. I never sexually pleasured myself with your pictures. Your pictures actually depletes my libido for some reason with added feelings of shame. Anyway, those picture of you were uploaded publicly and never have I took one just like a stalker. Your pictures are like tokens of happiness for me. As simple as that.

I hope I can tell you how important you are to me, when you feel like you are non-existent. I wish I can tell you that somebody loves you as much as you can love a person whenever the person you love tries to push you away. I wish I can watch you every day not from a distance but right beside you. I’ve said this to myself that if ever I am given the chance to have you as my partner, I will fight for it. I’ll finally come out. I won’t demand anything from you except for you to stay with me if not possible then just let me remain to be part of your life.

At first I thought I only idolized you. Admired you. But 3 full years have passed and you are the only person that still gives me the same emotion I felt when I saw you the first time. Anything in between, is just me feeling happy that a person like you exist. This is no longer admiration. Not a crush either.

I am in love with you, I admit that. I love you EJ.

(Note to whoever is reading this: I know I might be throwing love arrows in the air right now, fishing in a dead ocean or waiting for rice to grow in a desert but this is how I truly feel. I am in a closet, my reach is limited. I can only radiate myself out through my emotions. Sometimes I feel like a Bogart, I am kept in a closet but when I come out no one really knows what form I will take. This is letter is not a way for me to flirt with anybody, obviously this letter is directed to someone.

To those who were  like me who came out, have partners right now or even those in a relationship right now. I am telling you treasure your partner but not in a stupid way. Tell each other that you deserve each other. Tell yourself that you deserve him if any doubts exists, think over it because the answer lies with you. Treasure them becauses not every one is not as fortunate as you are to be experiencing.

To my fellow LGBT, I have observed that having a real relationship is something very difficult to find. Some of us gives up by thinking that partners can only be bought (my openly gay colleague said this to me “I’ll make sure I become successful and earn a lot of money so I can have the man I want” in a joking manner). Real relationships exist and we are getting inspired by them each day. Like a fairytale for us.

While waiting for that to come. I’ll be back in my closet, watching through the one-way mirror doors. I’ll wait for the person who will open the closet and force me out. Not because he wants to expose me but to be with me despite the disgust of some people. With that person, I will walk out ignoring other people because I’d be looking at that person’s eyes. We will walk as if we are the only people on earth (*insert Bubbly, dreamy and teary eyed face here*)

If he doesn’t come, I’ll just violently open the closet doors breaking the mirror when I am ready. And coming out, just contented with finally being free.)

SB Exp: Green Tea Cream

This is happiness for me.

I’m familiar that only a few people love this blend. I don’t have an exact reason whybI love Green Tea cream but I’m sure the best one I’ve tasted is from Starbucks. I just love the earthy and grassy taste (weirdness overload). It reminded me of a favorable taste of wheatgrass (yes I tried drinking wheatgrass and I don’t find it that repulsive). Green tea cream or any other green tea flavored food or drinks remind me of my dream coutry, Japan. Even though I haven’t tasted an authentic green tea from Japan, I am still reminded by the green tea taste. No wonder it makes me happy. Honestly speaking, I also love that light green color. I also love it when the barista added green tea powder generously.

SB Exp: Chocolate Chip Cream

I just found Christmas Cookie Latte’s twin brother.

Chocolate Chip Cream is full of chocolate-y goodness. It can turn you into a child again.I say this blend is very naughty because it comes with millions of chocolate chips which can get stuck in your straw (it happened to me). I tried blowing ito out my tumbler and I ended up with cream splattering on my face. I tried sucking it out from the bottom but was unsuccessful and I looked a bit retarded. Finally I blew it out finally releasing the chocolate chip projectile to nowhere. I really made a mess. That reminded me of being a kid.

Freedom

(This thought came up while watching the movie “God’s Not Dead”)  

I became intrigued by the concept of freedom. But first I was introduced to this concept in our history classes from elementary through college. Freedom is something that everybody desires and will fight for to the death. Heroes were declared as such in defending it and infamy comes to those who took it away. There had been conflicts, mostly resulting into violence, regarding it. But this post won’t be about the freedom of an entire country, but rather just a single person.   It is cliché to say that many people are still in cages and desiring the freedom I am talking about. However, it’s them that deprive themselves of their freedom. I know,because I am one of them.  

 To illustrate my point, Imagine a bird cage. Society is every railing or bars that make it up, the people I know and find dear are those nearest the opening of the cage and I am the bird.  Even if there is an opening  or a door to go outside, I wouldn’t go because In that cage I am secure, I find each bar of that cage dear to me and if I go I have to leave them. Leaving would be difficult. Being in a cage for a long time made me develop feelings for what encloses and kept me away from freedom. Eventually as time passes by I will grow develop and infatuated by the idea of freedom that the cage is starting to get smaller and less comfortable. Starting to feel like a prisoner than something to be protected. When the time is right I will get out, but by then I realize that the opening did not grow as big as me. Throughout the years that passed by, not once did I prepare to widen the opening. To prepare them that I will eventually go and leave. Now that freedom is within reach I cannot go out of the cage. It has become difficult but not impossible.  I will be painful to try to and fit myself through the small opening, scratching my wings, injuring me and even if I do come out I will fall on the ground with no one to help me. I may seem like I have lost everything but time heals everything.Eventually I’ll be able to fly again in through the wind of freedom. Eventually the cage will rust, the crushing bars becomes brittle and crumbles to the ground as it widens the entrance. And hopefully, one day I will make my return to the cage and give my thanks for protecting me. Just that.  

Freedom is general. Others have a different idea of it, but for me it is coming out. As explained by my analogy. I will go out, but not for now. I will be painful, but not impossible. It will feel like I lost everything, but eventually gain everything I need. I will have to leave but most importantly make my return and be accepted by the people I love.

God is Not Dead

“How can you hate somebody that doesn’t exist?”- Josh Wheaton  

I watched this movie because it came up in my newsfeed in facebook. I just felt compelled to watch it. I have no regrets. At first I thought, it would be one of those movies that will simply force its message into your head without much effort. Let me just say that this movie gave respect to the watcher’s free will.   To be honest, I felt like crying in every Philosophy class scene in this movie and other selected scenes. I agree and disagree at different points raised. I felt crying because it reminded me of how I felt when I myself took Philosophy class (and whenever I am reduced to self thought when I’m bored) when these point was raised. Though my professor wasn’t like the one in the movie (I believe no one is like that because I haven’t experienced one so to me a character like that remains ficitonal) but the conflict between the two statement was enough to send me teary-eyed.  

I started making this post right after watching the movie and right after the first pargraph I double-checked for the name of the protagonist, Josh wheaton. I came across a lot of reviews in the process and most of which are negative. Most of them find the movie offensice, stereotypical, a propaganda and etc. This later on affected me. I actually changed my review from a “Great movie” to a “thought provoking movie which I always find interesting” both entirely true. Not to retract my finding it a good movie, but I did find the basis of the professor’s atheism as a stereotype and it had been bothering me. I mean when I watched the trailer aside from the arguments that will be presented I was also interested to the the answer of the professot to Josh question “Why do you hate God?”  

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There, a perfect example of how much the majority’s perspective and opinion will influence an individual. I am telling you that right after the movie I was so fascinated that I decided to post two things today(which I will still do). But after I read the review of let us say a percentage of the population who watched it and of course gave a negative reaction, I change my review to something lesser than before. I actually smiled when I realized this. How I thought this movie gave me realizations but was not actually the main point of me watching it, rather to make me realize that regardless of the subject I will always be compelled to hear the other side, the side I actually did not believe  in.

In the end, I did not make a choice because I do not have to.I have made my choice even before I watched the entire movie. I guess I watched it in my desire for understanding others, exposed to such such sensitive topics and an exercise to be open-minded. I watched it, got fascinated by it and inspired by it similar to why I read and watched Dan Brown’s books and other thought provoking movie which other’s find as blasphemous, offensive, induces doubt, strengthens faith but in the end the final review relies to the each individual watchers.  

And to those who know themselves and enjoy in the realm of thoughts, won’t find it an issue to think things over because for them thinking is entertaining. Much like me, so my final say to this movie is…  

It is entertaining.

SB Experience: Caramel Macchiato

Caramel Macchiato is hidden coffee.

The blend for today. Let’s just say that this blend is subtle when I first tasted it. My first sip, I tasted mostly milk so I mixed it half heartedly. The second one I got blobs of caramel syrup so I mixed it properly this time. However, I’m still have a sweetened fresh milk taste and no signs of the coffee. After a couple of sips, I tasted a hint of coffee. I stopped drinking for a few minutes because I had to fix my things then the secret is revealed. The taste of coffee rising from the back of my throat and it is quite strong. Unlike Mocha which hits me right on the moment it touches my tongue, Caramel Macchiato is enveloped by the creamy milk and its bitterness toned down by the caramel.   I suddenly thought of it like wine, the more I let it breathe and let it play in my mouth its true taste will be revealed.   I thought I only bought caramel and milk. No wonder Caramel Macchiato is hidden coffee