I saw a picture of you today. The one that your brother uploaded. He wasn’t in my friend list so I had to go to his profile to see it, as I usually do to just to see if he has uploaded a new photo of you since you’re not the kind of person who brags about your looks and might not even know that you are.
Again, I am reduced to drawing happiness from a still image of you. I don’t know until when I will do this but I have decided that one day I’ll stop and tell you how I feel. By then I’m sure I’ll be ready to accept the worse reaction you may give. (well, blocking me, unfriending me or doing everything to deprive me of any news from you)
Just so you know I had been admiring you for almost four years now. Just a bit earlier when you met the person you love today. I don’t mind that to be honest because ever since I had this feeling towards you I have accepted the natural way of things and how you deserve to have normal one. I’ve liked you for this long most probably not wanting a fairytale but to be part of your life. I know it would take a miracle to have a romatic relationship with you but just to be part of your life, a friend, is not as impossible. I tried anyway but anything with you fall short. You transferred to another school to follow her. I cannot argue with that.
Just so you know I was entranced by you eyes alone. Emphasized with the thick framed eye glasses you wore the first time I met you. The simplicity to your get up. I was entirely swallowed by the mystery behind you. You barely talk to anyone, have a handful of friends and basically know only a little about you. What they know all in common is that you love her so much. I say she is very lucky and not one bit did I say that she doesn’t deserve you. You love her and that is enough for me to say that.
I’ve dreamt of us being together. As simple as that. Sharing our doodles after we have lunch. Passing a thought notebook in between class, just to amuse ourselves when we get bored in a lesson. I’ve imagined how it would sound like if you played your guitar and I tried singing the songs you since I know singing is not one of your strengths. And just to keep me from one of those sad days, I simply thought that you would pass by and sit beside me. I find happiness in your simple existence.
I said to myself that if androids were real and in the market, I would model it into your image just to satisfy this longing for you. In your perspective this is weird and utterly gross. But just so you know, I never had perversed thoughts about you. I never sexually pleasured myself with your pictures. Your pictures actually depletes my libido for some reason with added feelings of shame. Anyway, those picture of you were uploaded publicly and never have I took one just like a stalker. Your pictures are like tokens of happiness for me. As simple as that.
I hope I can tell you how important you are to me, when you feel like you are non-existent. I wish I can tell you that somebody loves you as much as you can love a person whenever the person you love tries to push you away. I wish I can watch you every day not from a distance but right beside you. I’ve said this to myself that if ever I am given the chance to have you as my partner, I will fight for it. I’ll finally come out. I won’t demand anything from you except for you to stay with me if not possible then just let me remain to be part of your life.
At first I thought I only idolized you. Admired you. But 3 full years have passed and you are the only person that still gives me the same emotion I felt when I saw you the first time. Anything in between, is just me feeling happy that a person like you exist. This is no longer admiration. Not a crush either.
I am in love with you, I admit that. I love you EJ.
(Note to whoever is reading this: I know I might be throwing love arrows in the air right now, fishing in a dead ocean or waiting for rice to grow in a desert but this is how I truly feel. I am in a closet, my reach is limited. I can only radiate myself out through my emotions. Sometimes I feel like a Bogart, I am kept in a closet but when I come out no one really knows what form I will take. This is letter is not a way for me to flirt with anybody, obviously this letter is directed to someone.
To those who were like me who came out, have partners right now or even those in a relationship right now. I am telling you treasure your partner but not in a stupid way. Tell each other that you deserve each other. Tell yourself that you deserve him if any doubts exists, think over it because the answer lies with you. Treasure them becauses not every one is not as fortunate as you are to be experiencing.
To my fellow LGBT, I have observed that having a real relationship is something very difficult to find. Some of us gives up by thinking that partners can only be bought (my openly gay colleague said this to me “I’ll make sure I become successful and earn a lot of money so I can have the man I want” in a joking manner). Real relationships exist and we are getting inspired by them each day. Like a fairytale for us.
While waiting for that to come. I’ll be back in my closet, watching through the one-way mirror doors. I’ll wait for the person who will open the closet and force me out. Not because he wants to expose me but to be with me despite the disgust of some people. With that person, I will walk out ignoring other people because I’d be looking at that person’s eyes. We will walk as if we are the only people on earth (*insert Bubbly, dreamy and teary eyed face here*)
If he doesn’t come, I’ll just violently open the closet doors breaking the mirror when I am ready. And coming out, just contented with finally being free.)