062515 Bulking Up

EJ,

Nakita ko mga recent pics mo sa mga photos ng kuya mo. Talagang sinseryoso mo ang pagwo-workout. Nagpagupit ka pa ng sobrang ikli. Kung dati para kang nerd na inosente, ngayon mukha ka nang athlete at medyo nakakaintimidate. Nandun pa rin ang kaligayahan na makita ka, kaya lang medyo nakakatakot.

Hope to see you soon. Personally. I really miss you a lot.

I love you,

J

A Glass of Water

“A glass of water filled halfway. Is it half full or half empty?”

The classic psychological test for optimism and pessimism. And another version comes up saying…

“It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty. It will eventually get heavier as you hold it longer.”

Whoever thought of that was right. But how exactly do you put it down? I get the fact that these stories are mere symbols and should not be taken literally, but I want to know how you but the damn glass down?

Yes, I am currently facing something right now. That anger that burns within me. It’s like a lump of coal burning in my chest, searing my soul and consuming it. It feels heavy and slowly spreading. I tried extinguishing it with tears, crushing it with trying to understand the other side of the concerned but I just end up making endless possible dialogues for arguments adding coal to the fire. 

I seek wisdom on the topic. Some calmed me down. Others encourage rage and the rest inaction and understanding.

I am up for inaction and understanding. I want to let it go but the anger itself won’t let go, it sticks to my heart as if if was waiting for something to be satisfied. 

My enemy begging for forgiveness, crying so hard, finally understanding my side. That my inaction wasn’t giving up, rather for moving one. That understanding them proved my victory.

But no. It didn’t happen and probably won’t happen. These people are really something. Drowned with pride and ego. Insecurities that grew on their minds like weeds in place of their unfulfilled dreams. Shame that swallowed their guts, making gossips and wishing ill will to others as their temporary solution to their inferiority complex. Envy and jealousy gives them a fake sense of inferiority, making their equals like villains to their otherwise fairytale like life, where every small things feel offensiv and they suddenly cry how unfair life is to them while they condemn their equal as a cause for their meaningless and shallow suffering.

When it feels like this. How can one simply put the glass down…..
….without Breaking it?

Blanks

Blanks Page. Blank People.

I believe that in the world we live in there are Blanks. At first it may sound like off-putting or an insult to be called a Blank. I hope I’ll be able to change that or at least put up a better image of being a blank. Before I continue, what do I mean when I say “Blank?”

In my opinion, a Blank person is like a Blank Page. What is so special about a Blank Page or Blank person? None. That’s it, like a Blank page, a blank person is empty. Devoid of any distinguishing marks, there’s nothing so different from others. I know this is a bad start if I am really trying to put up a good image of a Blank. A physical apperance of a Blank is pretty ordinary. It won’t cause you to have a second look, sometimes you won’t even notice or even bother looking. They are not ugly. (Based on the standards of society. sigh). Let’s just say they are in the middle, the common middle, where they are rarely noticed because they did not reached the glorious, glowing perfection of beauty nor they have a face that can only be looked at once.(based on society’s standards again). Anyway, Blanks are passive in personality. Generally, they are average in everything. They are always within the majority.

Enough with the bad mouthing. Blank persons like Blank pages are empty. What do you do with empty pages? You write on them, Draw, Paint, or fold them to something else. Blanks persons are full of potential and endless possibilities they can turn to. If other people have been given a talent since birth, a blank person can learn if he wanted to. It may not be comparable to someone with a talent. But imagine, if a talented person can at most have 3 talents and a blank person is capable of trying and learning more than 3 skills, beaing a blank person is not bad at all. About physical appearance, a little tweak on the hair, extra care with the face and keeping healthy, A blank can finally catch attention. On the personality, it may be difficult but changing the personality is very crucial here. A blank person must take every opportunity he or she finds to learn something new, or improve what he or she can improve.

You either have one thing that only you can do the best or be able to to the most compared to the rest.

It sounds like Quantity over Quality right? But definitely better that feeling like “Nothing” at all, right?

What is the difference?

You are Blank when you are yet to become something.
You are Nothing, when you chose to stay as Blank.

The Warmth of a Jacket

Wear a jacket when it’s cold. I wonder why I’m wearing one now. The room I am in is at roon temperature, around 22-23 degrees celsius, which i find comfortable without wearing a jacket. But i chose to wear one now because the thing I want to cover with a jacket cannot be covered with a jacket.

Again, I feel the emptiness inside me. A punch through the chest. A blackhole, a vacuum, thick dark energy that cause pain in every beat and swirl.  It feels like my heart is slowly shrinking to the negative space it is in. As it get smaller it gets heavier and harder. Pulling back the tears, swallowing every emotion on my face and pain i feel. I feel like drying up. Crumbling into boulders, then rocks and to sand. Turning to a hard solid statue.

And all I needed was a jacket. How silly of me.

Best Beginnings

They say it always feels good at the start. Everything seems right and pretty magical. Everything fits, happy and sparkly. A beautiful start. Yes it is nice to have a wonderful beginning. But as they say, “what matters most is what comes after the beginning” The time you started seeing your differences, having misunderstandings and having a quarrel. The time you start hurting each other with words the stab like daggers. Sometime during that time, you’ll feel sad, hurt and a hint of regret. They say this is the most crucial time. The both of you are being tested. They say survive this and you can survive more. The scars are there but the both of you will be proud of it. Not because you caused those scars to each other but because the both of you endured the pain that each other had caused, forgave each other and now can kiss, hug, hold hands and smile to each other.

In the end, it is worth it. But there is really no end to it.

You have the best of beginnings. Whatever happens in between the both of you should always make sure you have the best ending.

Just for One Day

Just for one day…

Let me sit beside you on the side walk in front of your dorm
Looking up at the night sky, shivering in the cold
Beneath the starry night and the smiling moon
We chat with our shaky voice
Sipping the warm coffee I bought
Smiling and laughing at random things

Just for one day, let me be the one beside you..

Saturday afternoon, classes are over
Let’s go to the free movie house in town
Watch a French indie film, with only us inside
Watch, without understanding
The utter silence we have, to appreciate each other’s presence
Our soft whispers that pierce the french dialogues

Just for one day, Let’s do this again.

10:00 pm, after the evening news I register to a call promo
a hundred minutes for us to talk uninterrupted
To talk again of anything, from the rundown of what happened during the day
To the movies and shows, to the preposterous imaginations
11:35…..11:39 we countdown to the end of the promo
Saying Goodbye to each other endlessly until the call gets cut off
My ears red, warm and moist….my brain probably toasted with radiation

Just for one day, Let’s call each other again.

Let me walk beside you on our way to the school canteen
Let me hold your hands on our way to your dorm
Let me kiss you on the cheek when you start acting like a boy
Let me hug you tight when during the cold mornings at school
Let me pinch your chubby cheeks to tease you
Let me tell you you’re beautiful and see you deny it
Let me hear your voice again, and tell you you’re such a singer
Let me fold paper lillies again ever 25th day of the month
Let me whisper I love again in your ears, randomly
Let us eat in front of Fishball cart, like it’s ours
Give me notes with your annotations and cute post-its whenever I am absent in class

Let me hear you say “I love you” once again.

Just for one day, Let me be your boyfriend again.
Just for one day. Let me love you again.

Just for one day. That’s all I need, so I won’t feel like this again.