Walang May Gusto sa Taong Desperado

Period.

Ngayon gabi, mangiyak-ngiyak kong narealize ito. Habang ginu-google ko ang utak at puso ko ang sagot sa katanungang “Bakit kaya ako ganito?” At dumating ang masaklap na kasagutan na iyan, na tipong ginamit yung “I’m feeling Lucky” button.

Swak na swak eh. After kong marealize, hindi na ako nag-argue, wala ng hinanap na iba, walang labis ay walang kulang.

Napakasakit na katotohanan. Ang hirap lunukin ang pride at aminin sa sarili mong desperado ka nga. Pero yun naman ang totoo. Siguro umabot na ako sa point na sa sobrang iwas ko sa paglunok ng pride, mas lalong nadurog, nakakaumay at napanis ang pride ko.

Eto ako ngayon. Sinampal ng sariling utak at mulhang nilayasan ng sariling puso. Kailangan kong ibalik ang respeto ko sa sarili ko.

Own me.

Own me before my price goes up.
…before I see my worth
…before I realize I deserve more
…before others can see me

Own me while I am nothing
…while I value everything
…while I see you as perfect
…while I still have a heart
…while that heart only sees you

Because after you own me, I will not be a waste.
…with you, I can be better
…with you, I can be perfect
…with you, I am complete

Hello, Hubby! I finished a lot of things today. Checked 2 sets of reports and 2 sets of quizzes today. I finished making my lecture around 5pm so I had a nice chat woth my co-faculty. 

I had plato-wraps and takoyaki for dinner before working out. Don’t worry I push myself too hard like last time. Hahahahaha!

Good night. I’m gonna be early tomorrow. 
Hope to see you soon….

Resurrection of a Dream

Resurrection of a Dream

I woke up late this morning. Left home, exactly an hour and a half before my next class. No breakfast just a can of black coffee. I got a cab. Stuck in traffic. My mind wandered.

My long lost dream, that I thought I once buried haunted me. It resurfaced out of nowhere. Like the gentle breeze, blew on my cheeks. For some reason, at the passenger seat of the cab I rode to work, behind the traffic and in front of a Partylist van playing the same campaign jingle over and over again….There was this eagerness, longing and hauntid dream of becoming a doctor.

I want to become a doctor that badly. I wanted to apply for scholarships or sponsorships, because the finances were the only problem I had. The expenses of studying medicine in this country is no joke. I can live with the pressure. I know the difficulty. I am familiar what commitment it requires and I even see myself in that kind of commitment without being scared of it.

I want to become a doctor because the superego of myself wears a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck wearing stainless glasses and sitting in his consultation office, reading thick colored books showing tissue sections, dissected organs and graphs. I see myself in front of patients in line waiting for their turn to consult me in an outreach program. I see myself going room to room, checking on my patients, the very people who entrust their health to me. I have this overwhelming satisfaction to be needed, to have purpose and to have something to live for.

It’s been two years since I had second thoughts of going to med school.I chose not to, because I was exhausted with my pre – med. I needed rest. A long rest, long enough for me to miss this kind of living, long enough to make me want it badly. Just like what I feel now.

Psychology says “Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that will help you grow.”

I think it’s true. I have to read The Alchemist again before making this career change.