Who do we want?

Do we really have an idea who will love us? How that person looks like? Do they have the same physical features as those we have fallen for? Do they have eyes that sparkles at night, smiles that brightens our day, skine as smooth as silk, taller than us, warm hugger, rosy cheeks and soft lips? Do we know their exact feature until the very last strand of hair….no up to the single cell that exist in their body?

or is it like what they say in the movies. We’ll know it’s the right one, once we see them.

that’s really fucked up. what if we see the right one, but we;re not the right one in their eyes?

When do we meet them?

How do we even meet them? How do we even know its them? What if they just passed us by? He could be the person behind you while you order for coffee or wait for a cab, the person you bumped into, or sat beside in the jeep or train? What if we missed the moment? What if we didn’t give the moment a chance to happen?

I do not know anymore. I hate this feeling. Why do I ask so much? I’m in pain and I have to embrace it even if it’s freezing me from the inside. I expected the pain, but the magnitude, impact and weight of pain always surprises me.I cannot be prepared for that, I can only anticipate it. It will always be my fault because I chose him anyway. I gambled and risk otherwise it will always be the same, of keeping my love to myself.I wanted to break that. And now that I lost, I feel broken. Entirely out of my own choice.

It’s just so ironic that everyone desires to be loved. Everyone is a hopeless romantic, waiting for the right one. Everyone waiting for the right one and doesn’t try looking for one. Everyone hopes that the right one will come their way  but nobody tries being the right one. We’re like sheeps looking up, waiting for a star to fall. We get impatient, and rant how lonely we are and how much we long for someone.

We can’t admit it to ourselves that we cannot love everyone that comes along. No matter how we look like or what our personality is like, we all have standards. All of us having standards and no one trying to achieve them because we are consumed in the idea that the person who loves us is the only one who will try to meet those standards.

If ever this is the case of our generation, do we need contraception at all?

Yes, I am bitter. So bitter that a double-shot of espresso will be embarassed to stay in front of me. I fell in love, I got rejected, I got hurt, mad at first, bitter now and eventually better someday.

For now, I’ll savor this pain as it demands to felt. At least I knew, I loved you.

 

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