Nakakatakot Magmahal

…hindi dahil masasaktan ka o makakasakit ka…

…hindi dahil kailangan mong ibigay ang lahat at walang dapat matira 

…hindi dahil baka maiwan ka sa ere o ikaw ang kailangang umalis at mang-iwan.

…hindi dahil baka may magbago o baguhin kayo nito. At sa pagbabago na yon, tila makukulong kayo sa isat isa dahil ayaw niyo yung kinahinatnan ng pagbabago niyo

…hindi dahil mawawala ang pagmamahal, masasanay kayo at maghahanap ng iba.

Nakakatakot magmahal dahil…

…siya na, siya lang at wala nang iba.

…walang may alam kung sino siya.

…siya na at siya lang habang buhay.

heto tayo hinahanap siya sa isa’t isa, 

Ngunit ni isa sa ating handang maging “siya” para sa iba.

Basta pag andyan na siya…

Ako ay naniniwala…

Masasabi kong “Siya na Talaga.”
Mahirap magmahal ng taong hindi mo pa nakikilala.

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The Fortress

It’s not your fault. It’s me being overly attached.for the longest time I had stayed in the comfort of my wall, my fortress. Yet for a moment a brought these walls down, opened my doors. It was awkward and it was uncomfortable, but I did. I loved how the fresh air blew inside my veins,filling my stomach with butterflies, stretching my face with a smile….but like the wind it also went away.

I’m an open fortress. Yet no one dared to come inside. My gates are shaking. I feel cold inside. I have to close my doors. 

….and be the fortress I used to be.

The Ordinarily Broken

It is depressing to realize how people can easily make you feel like trash to be discarded when they no longer need you. Or for one time they made you feel important, like a friend and after a while, you suddenly become strangers.

It is so disappointing your concern is already misplaced, there is no way you can be of help. You end up voices in your head saying, you have no right to be upset you’re only friend for less than a year, you just met, why are so possessive of someone who is not even yours to begin with.

It feels so stupid, so foolish and naive to think that for one minute I was the best friend of someone. That after a while, my hunger for trust and close friendship was satiated and now I am hungry again. It breaks my heart to see a great colorful reef under the deep ocean to be pulled up just because I needed air or nature won’t simply let me stay under water.

The anemones retract, the clams close, the fishes swims away. A once densely busy reef now looking like a deserted area. I realize I am alone.

I am alone again.

These times. At these situations it makes me feel like I deserve it.

Will my absence be felt? Sometime I wonder, will anyone even notice when I’m gone

It’s disappointing to find out that I allowed that my concerns are misplaced or inappropriate. That voices in my head are whispering “Just be selfish” think only about yourself because no one ever will do that for you. Get used to being alone.

It’s about time I learn, being the last resort, the last option the last choice is not as fulfilling as I used to imagine before. It’s no longer satisfying to be considered as Plan B. To wait until I get chosen. To always be available to those who are always unavailable. For the longest time I always wanted to listen, I kept listening and listening to everyone, and every moment of it was endearing and touching for me. To have a taste of what felt like genuine human interaction, sipping it on a thin glass of trust. That when it suddenly shattered, it embedded shards on my lips and I lost my sense of hearing.

Remember this day. In the past you are an extremely introverted person, and you trust no one. You opened up one day, opened up to allow anyone to see your weaknesses and know your secrets. Once in your life, you had the guts to trust anyone, do something for anyone and talk to anyone. And that was reciprocated.

But today that changes. Because today, now you know how they will react when they see how “broken” you are or HOW ORDINARILY BROKEN you are.

SO IN REFERENCE TO BROKEN-NESS SEE THE NEXT POST.

Oo nga.

Mas maganda na lang isipin ang sarili mo. Hindi iniisip ang ibang tao.

Papasok. Uupo. Magtatrabaho. Magliligpit. Uuwi. Yun lang. 

Mas maganda na yon kesa maramdaman ang nararamdaman ko ngayon.

Oo nga. Mas maigi na yun na lang ang gawin tutal yun naman ang bumubuhay sakin. Nagbibigay ng kita, nagbibigay ng kakayahang mabili ang gustong bilin o makaipon ng malaking halaga.

Oo nga mas magandang ganyan.

Naalala ko din kasi, na ganyan ako dati. Natatapos ko ang lahat, nakakatulog ng mahimbing. Gigising sa umaga at magtatrabaho ulit.

Pero hindi ako masaya.

Iniba ko, nakipagsalamuha ako, naging masaya kahit sa maikling panahon. Pero hindi palaging ganoon. Pero medyo napabayaan ang trabaho.

Pero naging masaya ako.

Kaya lang hindi yon nagtatagal. Mahirap talaga pag nakasanayan. Hinahanap hanap mo.

Ang trabaho nandyan lang, ang pagkakataon sumaya lumilipas yan.

Pero….

Masaklap din isipin na ang mga taong nakasama mo magsasawa sayo at lilisan sa buhay mo.

Ang trabaho, andyan lang at hindi ka iiwanan.

Oo nga, mas maganda yon.

Kahit mahirap. Piliin mo lagi ang sarili mo. Dahil wala namang gagawa niyan para sa iyo.

Nagtaka ka pa ba? Nakakadala na.

Doors

“When you open the door and no one comes in, you close it. Just as when you knock on the door and no one opens it, you leave. Otherwise you are compromising your security and wasting your time, respectively.”

I’m Drunk, I Love You 

Great movie. I don’t know if I just can relate to it much. But so far it’s much closer to my heart than “That Thing Called Tadhana”

Anyway, google the plot. I won’t include it here. I’ll only share my reflections or realizations while watching the movie….TWICE.

Character-wise. I can relate to the 3 characters.

1. Dio

He is the personification of young adults, with regards to career or future plans. He doesn’t have a clear idea of what he really wants. External affirmation is necessary for him to decide or he’s going to based his decision on something that is laid out. Being a young adult, graduating, free from responsibilities he got laid back a “bum” as Carson mentioned.

I can relate to him in the aspect of not knowing where my life would lead me. No idea of what I’m going to do or how I’m going to do things. I want to do something different, fulfill my dreams but reality won’t seem to make it possible. In the aspect of love, like Dio, I had also chose to remain friends with someone who confessed their feelings for me because I know it would be for the best. I think there is a side or instances that will make us hurt each other. When that happens we lose everything, even our friendship.
2. Carson

Carson is an extremely relatable character especially when I was in love. How I made everything possible for my crush’s request or favors. Carson is a personification of holding on and the capacity to love unconditionally for a long time. I was reminded of the time when I had a crush of 5 years that even overlapped my previous relationship.

Maja’s protrayal of Carson was perfect. How she hides her feelings, whispering in the background, jealousy, insecurity with Pathy and all around childishness (in a good and funny way).

Perhaps what I want at the moment is someone like Carson or Jason Ty.

3. Jason Ty

Though his character, his perspective was not focused much in the movie, that made him more closer to my heart. As in most instances when I meet with friends, I listen, probe and ask questions. And that is what Jason Ty did to Carson. Helping her out in sorting her thoughts and feelings in a teasing manner.

I remember a scene when Jason Ty said “…magpakabest friend ka naman sakin oh” to Carson. I’m reminded of a severing fact that there are people who had been there for us but for some reason we don’t wonder if there are times they need us too, they want to experience the things they always provide to others. To be heard and to be comforted way better than they can do or in a different way.
When I first watched the movie, I was feeling a bit down. After a long tiring day, a week of feeling excluded and isolation. At first I felt like the Cameraman. He knows the story, he is there in every scene, every laughter, tears, and intimate moments but he never talks, nobody sees him or everybody just chose to ignore him. But he is there, the besy one who can tell the story. A story he knows but it seems like he’s not part of it.

Jouska Secundus

Jouska – n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

“Whoever they are, they are so lucky to have you.”

I’ve been told a couple of times after a long comversation. But will they be lucky….

There are two sides of a coin.

And At the moment, I’m on the side which most people would give up.