It is depressing to realize how people can easily make you feel like trash to be discarded when they no longer need you. Or for one time they made you feel important, like a friend and after a while, you suddenly become strangers.
It is so disappointing your concern is already misplaced, there is no way you can be of help. You end up voices in your head saying, you have no right to be upset you’re only friend for less than a year, you just met, why are so possessive of someone who is not even yours to begin with.
It feels so stupid, so foolish and naive to think that for one minute I was the best friend of someone. That after a while, my hunger for trust and close friendship was satiated and now I am hungry again. It breaks my heart to see a great colorful reef under the deep ocean to be pulled up just because I needed air or nature won’t simply let me stay under water.
The anemones retract, the clams close, the fishes swims away. A once densely busy reef now looking like a deserted area. I realize I am alone.
I am alone again.
These times. At these situations it makes me feel like I deserve it.
Will my absence be felt? Sometime I wonder, will anyone even notice when I’m gone
It’s disappointing to find out that I allowed that my concerns are misplaced or inappropriate. That voices in my head are whispering “Just be selfish” think only about yourself because no one ever will do that for you. Get used to being alone.
It’s about time I learn, being the last resort, the last option the last choice is not as fulfilling as I used to imagine before. It’s no longer satisfying to be considered as Plan B. To wait until I get chosen. To always be available to those who are always unavailable. For the longest time I always wanted to listen, I kept listening and listening to everyone, and every moment of it was endearing and touching for me. To have a taste of what felt like genuine human interaction, sipping it on a thin glass of trust. That when it suddenly shattered, it embedded shards on my lips and I lost my sense of hearing.
Remember this day. In the past you are an extremely introverted person, and you trust no one. You opened up one day, opened up to allow anyone to see your weaknesses and know your secrets. Once in your life, you had the guts to trust anyone, do something for anyone and talk to anyone. And that was reciprocated.
But today that changes. Because today, now you know how they will react when they see how “broken” you are or HOW ORDINARILY BROKEN you are.
SO IN REFERENCE TO BROKEN-NESS SEE THE NEXT POST.