Anong problema?

Actually wala.

Hindi mo naman kasalanan na nag-expect ako sa’yo at nadismaya ako.

I just got tired. Tired of not being chosen. Being the back-up or the last resort. I’m tired of being left. It may not be entirely true and I’m just working around my own assumption. But that’s how I felt.

And I used to be fine with that.

I just realized that I shouldn’t be. Thank you for showing it to me.

It took me 2-3 days of waking up with tears in my eyes, looking at one corner of the room and asking myself ” Why do I have to feel this way?”

I used to be fine with it. But for some reason,it’s starting to bother me.

I’m not mad. (Well I was irritated last friday and saturday).

But right now I just feel grateful.

For the frustration, the loneliness etc.

Because I realized, I do deserve to be chosen. To be thought of. To be concerned of. To be someone’s first choice. To be someone’s only plan. I deserve someone who is willing to wait. Can live with my silence, not bored with it. 

I expected things from you and you failed to deliver. It’s not your fault because you weren’t aware, it’s not my fault for not being the person you want to give what I expected from you. It’s just a simple mismatch.

We were looking for someone from each other and failed to find them. We got disappointed from each other.

I cannot force myself in place where I feel like I’m not wanted. At the same time, I cannot assume that I’m always wanted. 

I didn’t say a word. I stopped asking. I stopped trying. I got tired and wanted to find-out if you’d even try to approach me or initiate a conversation. But no, having no feedback at all frustrated me.

I can be scary, intimidating or a drama queen. But I will easily yield to any conversation starter said in such innocent tone.

That even if my heart grew distant, I’ll hear a voice that would pull it back near you. Feeling the warmth.

But anyway, so much for the expectation I demanded without even trying to provide to others what I demand.

I am a disappointment as well. I’m sorry.

Through this experience, I learned that though I may feel like I’m the most difficult person to love, I’m actually not. I just haven’t found someone who will make me feel otherwise.

Thank you so much. It was a difficult but fulfilling experience.

You’ll always be my friends.

Note to Self

Halos dose oras na pagtulog.

Pag-gising mo nakatulala ka sa kisame ng iyong kwarto.

Iniisip kung
bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam mo
bakit ka malungkot?
bakit kahit ipinakita mong malungkot ka walang lumapit sayo?
bakit walang naghahanap sayo?
bakit malaking bagay sayo ang hindi napapansin ng iba?
bakit parang binubulong sayo ng buong mundo na dapat lang na mag-isa ka?
bakit parang hindi ka mahalaga?
bakit pag sinubukan mong mawala, mas lalo ka lang madidismaya?

Nararamdaman mo tuloy na napakatoxic mong tao.

Dahil sa nararamdaman mo, dapat ka nilalayuan. Kaya mong kunin ang kaligayahan sa lahat ng magagandang bagay sa mundo.

Pinilit mong itago lahat yan para kahit minsan maramdaman mo kung paano mabuhay ng masaya, gumising na may ngiti sa mukha imbes na tumutulo ang luha. Magbabad sa ingay ng iba at hindi malunod sa iyong sariling isipan.

Pero na pagod ka.
Sa pagpilit mong pigilan ang lahat ng nararamdaman mo napansin mong maiiwan ka rin lang kasama ang mga bagay na tinatago mo, yung mga emosyon na hindi mo ipinakita dahil natatakot kang ito ang maging dahilan para iwan ka nila. Napagtanto mong hindi nakikita ng iba ang mga luha tumutulo sa likod ng iyong mga mata. Yung pawis mo dahil nahihirapan ka nang huminga dahil sinasakal ka na ng mga sarili mong sagot mo sa mga katanungan mo sa kanila.

Alam ko mahirap pero kaya mo yan.
Lilipas din yan. Magiging okay ang lahat. Nandito ako para sayo.

sana ngayon alam mo na.

Mabuhay ka para sa sarili mo.
Huwag ka nang umasa sa iba para sa kaligayahan mo.

Oras na para maging makasarili ka ulit.

If you feel like you don’t deserve how people are treating you, maybe they don’t deserve a person like you.

Flip the f*cking chapter. Move on.