Stats

More than 7 Billion on Earth
More than 100 Million in PH
More than 1 Million in the City
More than 10,000 at my workplace
More than 1,000 co-employees
More than 500 colleages
More than 100 relatives
More than 50 acquaintances
More than 30 Friends
More than 20 crushes
Less than 15 close friends
7 cousins
3 grannies
2 parents
1 ex
1 best friend
0 sister
0 brother

I actually forgot the reason for this list. Perhaps, absorbed by counting with what I have or I just got lost…

Yes, lost.

My psychiatrist once told me to go out, have fun, meet new people, make new friends and try something new.

I did. It felt good. I was genuinely happy. Visited new places on my own, laughing out loud in crowded places, met new people, made new friends and tried a lot of things.

But why is it back? Why am I lost?

I realized that to know people…know them by name and face. The way they speak, the sound of their voice, laughter etc. basic stuff. That’s it. Stop.

The rest is just a bonus.

Maybe it’s natural for me to ask for more. Being an only child, spending more time being alone, I had difficulty trusting and expressing myself to others. And when I do, it’s not something ordinary. When I open up, that’s probably the first and last time the earth will hear about it.

But it doesn’t matter.

I remember the first time meet, the moment I felt trusted by you, the moment I felt like I’m already your friend and the small changes I started to notice. The entire span of how the full cycle returned to being strangers.

It hurts.

It’s frustrating because no one is at fault.

It’s not my fault for being boring and dull. Or not so good-looking. I wouldn’t blame you if you prefer the company of other people.

Maybe it’s my fault why I’m broken. Because nobody likes broken pieces, unless you are a beautiful kind of broken.

At times I enjoy placing myself in situations I can die. Just spark some fear or ignites reasons why I don’t want to die.

Because at the moment, the thought is circling me. I’d like to feel how my extremities will slowly feel cold, the numbness climbing to my core, vision starting to get blurry, tears flowing down my cheeks, memories flashing, heart rate slowing down, breathing gets heavier, gasping for air as an involuntary response to live. Then darkness.

Eternal silence because of silence.

The stats remain the same.

No brother, No sister.
1 bestfriend, 1 ex.
2 parents, 3 grannies.
7 cousins, 15 close friends.
20 crushes, 30 friends.
50 acquaintances, 100 relatives.
500 colleagues, 1,000 co employees.
10,000 in the workplace,
1 million in the city
100 million in the country
7 billion in Earth.

That’s how small I am. That’s how irrelevant I felt…..

I could just die, by killing myself.

Then I realized…

Even if others feel irrelevant, they chose to stay.

If someone can render someone else as irrelevant, maybe I can too.

There’s a limit to my stupidity.

I have to change my stats.

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