Anong problema?

Actually wala.

Hindi mo naman kasalanan na nag-expect ako sa’yo at nadismaya ako.

I just got tired. Tired of not being chosen. Being the back-up or the last resort. I’m tired of being left. It may not be entirely true and I’m just working around my own assumption. But that’s how I felt.

And I used to be fine with that.

I just realized that I shouldn’t be. Thank you for showing it to me.

It took me 2-3 days of waking up with tears in my eyes, looking at one corner of the room and asking myself ” Why do I have to feel this way?”

I used to be fine with it. But for some reason,it’s starting to bother me.

I’m not mad. (Well I was irritated last friday and saturday).

But right now I just feel grateful.

For the frustration, the loneliness etc.

Because I realized, I do deserve to be chosen. To be thought of. To be concerned of. To be someone’s first choice. To be someone’s only plan. I deserve someone who is willing to wait. Can live with my silence, not bored with it. 

I expected things from you and you failed to deliver. It’s not your fault because you weren’t aware, it’s not my fault for not being the person you want to give what I expected from you. It’s just a simple mismatch.

We were looking for someone from each other and failed to find them. We got disappointed from each other.

I cannot force myself in place where I feel like I’m not wanted. At the same time, I cannot assume that I’m always wanted. 

I didn’t say a word. I stopped asking. I stopped trying. I got tired and wanted to find-out if you’d even try to approach me or initiate a conversation. But no, having no feedback at all frustrated me.

I can be scary, intimidating or a drama queen. But I will easily yield to any conversation starter said in such innocent tone.

That even if my heart grew distant, I’ll hear a voice that would pull it back near you. Feeling the warmth.

But anyway, so much for the expectation I demanded without even trying to provide to others what I demand.

I am a disappointment as well. I’m sorry.

Through this experience, I learned that though I may feel like I’m the most difficult person to love, I’m actually not. I just haven’t found someone who will make me feel otherwise.

Thank you so much. It was a difficult but fulfilling experience.

You’ll always be my friends.

Ganito Pala

Masaya ako na mahal pa rin kita.
Kahit hanggang dito lang talaga
Masaya pa rin ako na mahal kita.
Tanggap ko na, hindi na ako aasa

Ganito pala, pag nahanap mo na.
Magiging sumpa or gantimpala
Dahil minsan kailangan magparaya
Para sa taong sayo’y nagpapaligaya

Mahal kita, walang halong drama.
Ayaw kong mag move on sa’yo
Masaya akong minamahal kita
Mahal kita dahil dun ako masaya.

Jouska Tertius

Jouska – n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

Habang nagbabasa ng mga report sa Starbucks….

A: Hindi ka nanaman nagsasalita, Yan.

L: Oo nga ngayon nga lang ulit tayo nagkasama.

C: (na-awkward ng kaunti) Ah sorry…Oo nga noh. Sensya nasanay na. Ano ba….hmmm. So far, recently na mimiss ko na naman si Rem. Nakikipag-away sa inner demons ko. Kayo ba anong bago? tagal na natin hindi nag – uusap eh.

A: Hay nako! (sabay irap) siya na naman?! Ewan ko sayo.

L: Akala ko ba okay na, besh?

C: Okay naman na talaga. (kinukumpas ang kamay)

A: Chuserey. (sabay higop sa drink niya)

C: OO NGA!!!….bitch. Kayo ba kamusta na kayo kay Ted???!!

L: Kalma mga beshies. Ako okay na me, wala na. (humigop ng drink niya)

A: I’m not sure. I think wala na.

 

 

 

Ito na ata yung araw…

Alam mo yan.

Gusto kita. 

Hindi parang bagay na pwedeng bilhin at angkinin, kundi isang tao ninanais kilalanin.

Sa aking pagkahumaling sa iyong mga matang nagniningning, sa mga ngiting ubof ng tami at mga matang kumikislap.

Ang iyong tinig na nais kong marinig. Ang iyong tawabg nakakakilig. At ang iyong mukhang nais maaninag.

Alam mo yan. Gusto kita. Gusto kitang mahalin. Pero

Hindi ka bagay na pwede kong angkinin. Hindi ka aso na pwede akong matutunang mahalin. 

Hindi ako yung taong nakukuha lagi ang aking gusto. Hindi ako yung taong itatapon na lang ang isang bagay pag nagsawa na dito. At mas lalong hindi ako ang taong kaya mong mahalin at magkagusto.

Alam natin yan. Mabuti na’ng klaro.

Ayoko ko lang umabot sa punto na sabihin mong ako ang sumuko dahil handa akong mahalin ka hanggang dulo. Hindi madali sa akin ang sumuko dahil ako mismo nilabanan ang sarili kong puso. Naniwala, umasa at inasam na “pwede” pa, nabuhay sa “baka”at naniwala sa “paano kaya” pero namulat sa “hindi pwede” “sigurado” at “ito na yun” Gaano man kasakit para sa akin ang mga pabgyayari, ganun din naman ito kasaya. Kaya….wala kang kasalanan. Hindi ko din kasalanan na masabi kong “baka mahal kita”, sinubukang “pwede kaya tayo” at “paano kaya kung naging tayo”

Hindi kasalanan ang magmahal. Hindi din kasalanan ang tumanggi sa pagmamahal.

Pero hindi ko na mapapatawad ang sarili ko kung pipilitin kong hindi mahalin ang taong gusto kong mahalin at mahalin ang taong hindi ko naman kayang mahalin.

Salamat. Ako na ang magsasabing hanggang dito na lang talaga. Dahil…

Alam ko na.

…na malalaman mo na ito.

Jouska Primus

Jouska – n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

You know I like you. If I was able to do that, I don’t have remain anonymous anymore. I can invite you to dinner, watch movies or a a date in general whenever I want to. 

You once told everyone you don’t see yourself being in a relationship at the moment. That you want to focuse on your studies, career and yourself in general. I respect that so I had set my limits. I am continously swallowing the truth that the closest thing we can have between us is friendship….not even a deep one.

So please if you think I asked that question, reconsider my side. I lost the possible future with you, I don’t want to lose what I have with you at the moment, no matter how small or shallow that is.

Sapat Na

Sapat na. na makita ka tuwing umaga
Nakangiting bumabati, puno ng saya
Kahit hindi para sa akin kundi sa kanya
Sapat na, basta makita kang maligaya

Sapat na, sa ating katiting na usapan
Tila ang segundo ay walang hanggan
Mga salitang tila walang katuturan
Sapat na, basta ika’y mapakinggan

 Sapat na, na alam mong nandito ako
Nabubuhay, tumitibok ang puso
Humihinga, dumadaloy ang dugo
Sapat na, hanggang dito na lang ako

Sapat na, nasabi kong mahal kita
Kahit konting pagtingin sakin wala ka
Hiling ko na manahanap mo na siya
Sapat na, hiling ko na mahal ka din niya

Sapat na, na tayo’s pinagtagpo ng panahon
Ngunit hindi nabigyan ng pagkakataon
Lilipas ang araw, linggo, buwan at taon
Sapat na, isa ka na lamang alaala

Sapat na ubusin ko ang nararamdaman sa iyo
Sa halip na ubusin ang sarili ko para sa iyo
Mananatili sa aking puso na “Minahal Kita”
Sapat na, kailangan ko na “Magmahal” nang iba