Stats

More than 7 Billion on Earth
More than 100 Million in PH
More than 1 Million in the City
More than 10,000 at my workplace
More than 1,000 co-employees
More than 500 colleages
More than 100 relatives
More than 50 acquaintances
More than 30 Friends
More than 20 crushes
Less than 15 close friends
7 cousins
3 grannies
2 parents
1 ex
1 best friend
0 sister
0 brother

I actually forgot the reason for this list. Perhaps, absorbed by counting with what I have or I just got lost…

Yes, lost.

My psychiatrist once told me to go out, have fun, meet new people, make new friends and try something new.

I did. It felt good. I was genuinely happy. Visited new places on my own, laughing out loud in crowded places, met new people, made new friends and tried a lot of things.

But why is it back? Why am I lost?

I realized that to know people…know them by name and face. The way they speak, the sound of their voice, laughter etc. basic stuff. That’s it. Stop.

The rest is just a bonus.

Maybe it’s natural for me to ask for more. Being an only child, spending more time being alone, I had difficulty trusting and expressing myself to others. And when I do, it’s not something ordinary. When I open up, that’s probably the first and last time the earth will hear about it.

But it doesn’t matter.

I remember the first time meet, the moment I felt trusted by you, the moment I felt like I’m already your friend and the small changes I started to notice. The entire span of how the full cycle returned to being strangers.

It hurts.

It’s frustrating because no one is at fault.

It’s not my fault for being boring and dull. Or not so good-looking. I wouldn’t blame you if you prefer the company of other people.

Maybe it’s my fault why I’m broken. Because nobody likes broken pieces, unless you are a beautiful kind of broken.

At times I enjoy placing myself in situations I can die. Just spark some fear or ignites reasons why I don’t want to die.

Because at the moment, the thought is circling me. I’d like to feel how my extremities will slowly feel cold, the numbness climbing to my core, vision starting to get blurry, tears flowing down my cheeks, memories flashing, heart rate slowing down, breathing gets heavier, gasping for air as an involuntary response to live. Then darkness.

Eternal silence because of silence.

The stats remain the same.

No brother, No sister.
1 bestfriend, 1 ex.
2 parents, 3 grannies.
7 cousins, 15 close friends.
20 crushes, 30 friends.
50 acquaintances, 100 relatives.
500 colleagues, 1,000 co employees.
10,000 in the workplace,
1 million in the city
100 million in the country
7 billion in Earth.

That’s how small I am. That’s how irrelevant I felt…..

I could just die, by killing myself.

Then I realized…

Even if others feel irrelevant, they chose to stay.

If someone can render someone else as irrelevant, maybe I can too.

There’s a limit to my stupidity. 

I have to change my stats.

The Saddest Person

Once upon a time, a lowly peasant found himself standing in front of the famed magical Mirror on the wall. Curious by it’s power, he whispered

“Mirror, Mirror on the wall, answer this lowly peasant’s call.”

A chorale of voices, low and high, echoed in the room saying “How can I be of service?”

The peasant then asked “Show me who is the saddest of us all.”

The peasant’s reflection faded in the mirror and starts to show a silhouette of another.

“This is the saddest person living.” The mirror said.

The peasant saw the saddest person but was baffled.

The saddest person was laughing.

Jouska Quintus

Jouska – n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

A: “The people who were there at my worst deserve me at my best.”

B: “They were not even there when you were at your worse.”

A: “So were you.”

Anong problema?

Actually wala.

Hindi mo naman kasalanan na nag-expect ako sa’yo at nadismaya ako.

I just got tired. Tired of not being chosen. Being the back-up or the last resort. I’m tired of being left. It may not be entirely true and I’m just working around my own assumption. But that’s how I felt.

And I used to be fine with that.

I just realized that I shouldn’t be. Thank you for showing it to me.

It took me 2-3 days of waking up with tears in my eyes, looking at one corner of the room and asking myself ” Why do I have to feel this way?”

I used to be fine with it. But for some reason,it’s starting to bother me.

I’m not mad. (Well I was irritated last friday and saturday).

But right now I just feel grateful.

For the frustration, the loneliness etc.

Because I realized, I do deserve to be chosen. To be thought of. To be concerned of. To be someone’s first choice. To be someone’s only plan. I deserve someone who is willing to wait. Can live with my silence, not bored with it. 

I expected things from you and you failed to deliver. It’s not your fault because you weren’t aware, it’s not my fault for not being the person you want to give what I expected from you. It’s just a simple mismatch.

We were looking for someone from each other and failed to find them. We got disappointed from each other.

I cannot force myself in place where I feel like I’m not wanted. At the same time, I cannot assume that I’m always wanted. 

I didn’t say a word. I stopped asking. I stopped trying. I got tired and wanted to find-out if you’d even try to approach me or initiate a conversation. But no, having no feedback at all frustrated me.

I can be scary, intimidating or a drama queen. But I will easily yield to any conversation starter said in such innocent tone.

That even if my heart grew distant, I’ll hear a voice that would pull it back near you. Feeling the warmth.

But anyway, so much for the expectation I demanded without even trying to provide to others what I demand.

I am a disappointment as well. I’m sorry.

Through this experience, I learned that though I may feel like I’m the most difficult person to love, I’m actually not. I just haven’t found someone who will make me feel otherwise.

Thank you so much. It was a difficult but fulfilling experience.

You’ll always be my friends.

Note to Self

Halos dose oras na pagtulog.

Pag-gising mo nakatulala ka sa kisame ng iyong kwarto.

Iniisip kung
bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam mo
bakit ka malungkot?
bakit kahit ipinakita mong malungkot ka walang lumapit sayo?
bakit walang naghahanap sayo?
bakit malaking bagay sayo ang hindi napapansin ng iba?
bakit parang binubulong sayo ng buong mundo na dapat lang na mag-isa ka?
bakit parang hindi ka mahalaga?
bakit pag sinubukan mong mawala, mas lalo ka lang madidismaya?

Nararamdaman mo tuloy na napakatoxic mong tao.

Dahil sa nararamdaman mo, dapat ka nilalayuan. Kaya mong kunin ang kaligayahan sa lahat ng magagandang bagay sa mundo.

Pinilit mong itago lahat yan para kahit minsan maramdaman mo kung paano mabuhay ng masaya, gumising na may ngiti sa mukha imbes na tumutulo ang luha. Magbabad sa ingay ng iba at hindi malunod sa iyong sariling isipan.

Pero na pagod ka.
Sa pagpilit mong pigilan ang lahat ng nararamdaman mo napansin mong maiiwan ka rin lang kasama ang mga bagay na tinatago mo, yung mga emosyon na hindi mo ipinakita dahil natatakot kang ito ang maging dahilan para iwan ka nila. Napagtanto mong hindi nakikita ng iba ang mga luha tumutulo sa likod ng iyong mga mata. Yung pawis mo dahil nahihirapan ka nang huminga dahil sinasakal ka na ng mga sarili mong sagot mo sa mga katanungan mo sa kanila.

Alam ko mahirap pero kaya mo yan.
Lilipas din yan. Magiging okay ang lahat. Nandito ako para sayo.

sana ngayon alam mo na.

Mabuhay ka para sa sarili mo.
Huwag ka nang umasa sa iba para sa kaligayahan mo.

Oras na para maging makasarili ka ulit.

If you feel like you don’t deserve how people are treating you, maybe they don’t deserve a person like you.

Flip the f*cking chapter. Move on.

Ganito Pala

Masaya ako na mahal pa rin kita.
Kahit hanggang dito lang talaga
Masaya pa rin ako na mahal kita.
Tanggap ko na, hindi na ako aasa

Ganito pala, pag nahanap mo na.
Magiging sumpa or gantimpala
Dahil minsan kailangan magparaya
Para sa taong sayo’y nagpapaligaya

Mahal kita, walang halong drama.
Ayaw kong mag move on sa’yo
Masaya akong minamahal kita
Mahal kita dahil dun ako masaya.