Use me 

I don’t mind.

Use me, pretend you chose me.
So you’ll know how he feels

I don’t mind.

Kiss me, hug me at hold my hand
like what real couples do.

I won’t mind.

Find the answers you are looking for. Look for it through me.

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Hindi ka Maiiwan

“Wala namang maiiwan kung walang nang iiwan.”

Totoo naman. Pero maiiwan ka lang naman kung magpapaiwan ka. Sa puntong ito, iniwan ka talaga at sa isang banda hinayaan mong maiwan ka.

Ang ibig kong sabihin na sa atin din kung choice natin magpaiwan. Kapag umalis siya, kailangan bang huminto ang buhay natin? Karamihan sa atin ganito. Nakasanayan nang nasa tabi siya sa lahat ng ginagawa natin. Ginagawa silang Araw ng solar system at ang buhay natin ang mga planetang umiikot sa kanya. Kaya pag nawala, hihinto, hindi na alam kung anong gagawin.

Okay lang naman huminto ng saglit. Namnamin ang sakit na nadarama. Dahil nilisan ka ng taong akala mong hinihintay mo simula ng ma-introduce ka sa konsepto ng pag-ibig. Umalis ang taong akala mong kasabay mo sa pag-usad ng natitira mong buhay. Pero hinde. Nauna na siya, naiwan ka. Hindi mo alam kung babalik ka na lang ba sa nakaraan, maghihintay sa pagbalik niya, hahabulin siya o tutungo sa ibang direksyon palayo sa kanya. Hindi mo alam ang gagawin mo kaya ka huminto at naiwan. Hindi mo pa alam.

Pero sa pagkakataong nagsawa ka na sa kung ano man ang pinili mong gawin matapos ka niyan iwan at nagkaroon ka na ng ideya. Uusad ka din. Kahit gaano ka kabagal o nangangapa sa daang tinatahak mong mag-isa, umuusad ka. At sa pag-usad ng buhay mo, sa bawat alaala na nagpangiti, nagpatawa, nagpagalit, at nagpaiyak sayo, mapagtatanto mo na ang mga bagay na ito iniiwan mo at lalagpasan mo. Hindi mo na namamalayan ang oras, at sa dami ng mga naranasan mo, yung sakit na nararamdaman mo ngayon at yung pagmamahal na akala mong wagas para sa kanya ay naiwan mo na rin.

Malay mo, pag nagkita kayong muli. Hindi na pala ikaw ang napag-iwanan kundi siya. Nasasayo ngayon kung ano ang gagawin mo.

…uusad ka pa ba at tatahakin ang buhay mo ng mag-isa?

…babalikan mo siya at aalalahin kung paano siyang mahalin?

…aantayin siyang mahabol ka at sabay kayong uusad sa hinharap?

“Wala naman talagang maiiwan, dahil may paraan naman para umusad. Kahit gaano pa ito kahirap at kabagal.”

 

 

Who do we want?

Do we really have an idea who will love us? How that person looks like? Do they have the same physical features as those we have fallen for? Do they have eyes that sparkles at night, smiles that brightens our day, skine as smooth as silk, taller than us, warm hugger, rosy cheeks and soft lips? Do we know their exact feature until the very last strand of hair….no up to the single cell that exist in their body?

or is it like what they say in the movies. We’ll know it’s the right one, once we see them.

that’s really fucked up. what if we see the right one, but we;re not the right one in their eyes?

When do we meet them?

How do we even meet them? How do we even know its them? What if they just passed us by? He could be the person behind you while you order for coffee or wait for a cab, the person you bumped into, or sat beside in the jeep or train? What if we missed the moment? What if we didn’t give the moment a chance to happen?

I do not know anymore. I hate this feeling. Why do I ask so much? I’m in pain and I have to embrace it even if it’s freezing me from the inside. I expected the pain, but the magnitude, impact and weight of pain always surprises me.I cannot be prepared for that, I can only anticipate it. It will always be my fault because I chose him anyway. I gambled and risk otherwise it will always be the same, of keeping my love to myself.I wanted to break that. And now that I lost, I feel broken. Entirely out of my own choice.

It’s just so ironic that everyone desires to be loved. Everyone is a hopeless romantic, waiting for the right one. Everyone waiting for the right one and doesn’t try looking for one. Everyone hopes that the right one will come their way  but nobody tries being the right one. We’re like sheeps looking up, waiting for a star to fall. We get impatient, and rant how lonely we are and how much we long for someone.

We can’t admit it to ourselves that we cannot love everyone that comes along. No matter how we look like or what our personality is like, we all have standards. All of us having standards and no one trying to achieve them because we are consumed in the idea that the person who loves us is the only one who will try to meet those standards.

If ever this is the case of our generation, do we need contraception at all?

Yes, I am bitter. So bitter that a double-shot of espresso will be embarassed to stay in front of me. I fell in love, I got rejected, I got hurt, mad at first, bitter now and eventually better someday.

For now, I’ll savor this pain as it demands to felt. At least I knew, I loved you.

 

Fictional Scenes

Alone in a cafe. Minding your own business. Writing, reading, skatching or watching, then  suddenly a stranger approaches you. Not offering life insurances or direct selling businesses, he just sat there and initiates a conversation. You obliged and eventually enjoys his company.

This doesn’t happen in real life. Fuck movies.

Pila

Para tayong nakapila.

Nakatinging tayo sa taong nakatalikod sa atin at nakatalikod tayo sa taong nakatingin sa atin.

Bakit nga ba pinipili nating mahalin ang taong hindi tayo mahal or may mahal nang iba at tinatalikuran o tinatanggihan ang mga taong buong pusong nagmamahal sa atin. Nagmamahal sa atin, na katumbas ng pagmamahal natin sa taong tinalikuran tayo.

Hanggang kailan ba tayo magiging ganito? Saan ba tayo nakapila? Kelan ba haharap sa atin at titignan tayo sa mga mata? Kailan ba tayo tatalikod para makita ang taong nakatingin sa atin?

Oo, may point naman na mahirap pilitin ang sarili mahalin ang taong hindi naman natin pinili or mahal dahil lang mahal nila tayo. Hindi natin obligasyon na ibalik ang pagmamahal nila, pero wala tayong karapatan na pigilan silang mahalin tayo. Linawin lang natin na hindi talaga pwede, para hindi lumabas na paasa tayo. Uulitin ko, wala tayong karapatan na pigilan silang mahalin tayo. Hindi natin sila pinapaasa, masasaktan sila oo, mapapagod sila, at titigil silang mahalin tayo sa sarili nilang desisyon.Kung yun lang ang nararamdaman nila sa kasalukuyan at ipipilit mong tumigil sila….anong mararamdaman nila? hindi yan facebook reaction na kayang mapalitang after a long press. Tao tayo, hindi status update.

Masakit mareject, umasa at makipagbreak…pero sa tingin ko mas masakit maramdaman ang mga bagay na ito kung aaminim mo sa sarili mo na nireject, umasa ka at break na kayo. Mas masakit na pinaramdam niya ito sayo imbes na sabihin sayo ng diretso.

Napakasakit. 

At habang tumatagal lalong sumasakit. Parang isang disease cycle lang na paabot pa lang sa acute phase.At parang sakit, kung tutuntunin mo ang pinaka cause ng sakit, ikaw ang dapat sisihin. Dahil hindi ka magkakasakit kung hindi ka naexpose sa causative agent, made contact with the causative agent or you made yourself vulnerable. At parang sakit din, after a period of time gagaling ka, magiging immune sa dahilan ng sakit mo. You come out stronger.

Back to Pila

Pero it makes me wonder, Kailan nga ba darating yung panahon na mapagod ang nasa harapan ko at biglang humarap sa aking at makitang hindi ako sumuko at nakatingin pa din sa kanya? Kailan kaya niya hahawakan ang mga kamay ko at parehas kaming aalis sa pila?

Ngunit…

Ako din napapagod. Baka sa oras na humarap siya sa akin, ako naman ang nakatalikod sa kanya.

Unspoken Words

June 26

J : (talking about himself. Hating and pitying himself.)
Me: For the nth time, you’re not.
J: (continues badmouthing himself)
Me: Just because I like you doesn’t mean I’ll tolerate you pitying yourself!

June 27

We watched a movie together. You brought your friend. Of course I felt awkward but I tried not to. I talked to her just as I talked to you. I don’t know much. I don’t wanna look like a snob and be non-existent, letting you know I exist is the whole point of inviting you to the movies. I can’t be to chattery, I don’t wanna be an empty can or annoying. As much as  I want to talk to you, nothing interesting comes out of my mouth.

You look good. That polo shirt look good on you, like everything else.
How was your day?
Were your exams difficult? How did you manage?

Can we take a picture together?

We got ourselves comfortable in our seats….[well your seats because I got the slanted one and I have to move every few minutes throughout the movie otherwise I’ll be on the floor.] the trailers starts playing, I enjoy how you react to each one of them. The movie started playing. I enjoyed the movie as much as I enjoy taking glances at you and hearing your reaction to every funny, emotional, and thrilling scene. The movie was over. And again I was speechless. My legs were sore from working out so I stood up like an old man but again I said to myself “I invited someone I like to watch a movie and he came. I spent time with him.”

I wanted to spend more time with you. Invite you over for dinner but you had things to do, you said. On our way to the taxi bay, for the first time in my life I will line up there instead of taking a cab along their route before it reached the mall.I line up there, because you also lined up. Then one by one your friends, started showing up. I got the chance to meet them. And they took you away, with the new GOT episode and invited you over for dinner. You were thinking about it untile it was my turn to ride a cab.

What are your plans tonight? Would you like to have dinner with me?
You like GOT that much? Who’s your favorite character?
So this is your friend. Oh hi (your friend)
Can I join you guys for dinner?

As the cab, left I sighed. I felt happy but broken. I can’t help but smile despite feeling a heavy heart.

I like you. I hope there’s a next time.

Goodbye.

Resurrection of a Dream

Resurrection of a Dream

I woke up late this morning. Left home, exactly an hour and a half before my next class. No breakfast just a can of black coffee. I got a cab. Stuck in traffic. My mind wandered.

My long lost dream, that I thought I once buried haunted me. It resurfaced out of nowhere. Like the gentle breeze, blew on my cheeks. For some reason, at the passenger seat of the cab I rode to work, behind the traffic and in front of a Partylist van playing the same campaign jingle over and over again….There was this eagerness, longing and hauntid dream of becoming a doctor.

I want to become a doctor that badly. I wanted to apply for scholarships or sponsorships, because the finances were the only problem I had. The expenses of studying medicine in this country is no joke. I can live with the pressure. I know the difficulty. I am familiar what commitment it requires and I even see myself in that kind of commitment without being scared of it.

I want to become a doctor because the superego of myself wears a white coat with a stethoscope around his neck wearing stainless glasses and sitting in his consultation office, reading thick colored books showing tissue sections, dissected organs and graphs. I see myself in front of patients in line waiting for their turn to consult me in an outreach program. I see myself going room to room, checking on my patients, the very people who entrust their health to me. I have this overwhelming satisfaction to be needed, to have purpose and to have something to live for.

It’s been two years since I had second thoughts of going to med school.I chose not to, because I was exhausted with my pre – med. I needed rest. A long rest, long enough for me to miss this kind of living, long enough to make me want it badly. Just like what I feel now.

Psychology says “Always go with the choice that scares you the most, because that’s the one that will help you grow.”

I think it’s true. I have to read The Alchemist again before making this career change.