Anong problema?

Actually wala.

Hindi mo naman kasalanan na nag-expect ako sa’yo at nadismaya ako.

I just got tired. Tired of not being chosen. Being the back-up or the last resort. I’m tired of being left. It may not be entirely true and I’m just working around my own assumption. But that’s how I felt.

And I used to be fine with that.

I just realized that I shouldn’t be. Thank you for showing it to me.

It took me 2-3 days of waking up with tears in my eyes, looking at one corner of the room and asking myself ” Why do I have to feel this way?”

I used to be fine with it. But for some reason,it’s starting to bother me.

I’m not mad. (Well I was irritated last friday and saturday).

But right now I just feel grateful.

For the frustration, the loneliness etc.

Because I realized, I do deserve to be chosen. To be thought of. To be concerned of. To be someone’s first choice. To be someone’s only plan. I deserve someone who is willing to wait. Can live with my silence, not bored with it. 

I expected things from you and you failed to deliver. It’s not your fault because you weren’t aware, it’s not my fault for not being the person you want to give what I expected from you. It’s just a simple mismatch.

We were looking for someone from each other and failed to find them. We got disappointed from each other.

I cannot force myself in place where I feel like I’m not wanted. At the same time, I cannot assume that I’m always wanted. 

I didn’t say a word. I stopped asking. I stopped trying. I got tired and wanted to find-out if you’d even try to approach me or initiate a conversation. But no, having no feedback at all frustrated me.

I can be scary, intimidating or a drama queen. But I will easily yield to any conversation starter said in such innocent tone.

That even if my heart grew distant, I’ll hear a voice that would pull it back near you. Feeling the warmth.

But anyway, so much for the expectation I demanded without even trying to provide to others what I demand.

I am a disappointment as well. I’m sorry.

Through this experience, I learned that though I may feel like I’m the most difficult person to love, I’m actually not. I just haven’t found someone who will make me feel otherwise.

Thank you so much. It was a difficult but fulfilling experience.

You’ll always be my friends.

Note to Self

Halos dose oras na pagtulog.

Pag-gising mo nakatulala ka sa kisame ng iyong kwarto.

Iniisip kung
bakit ang bigat ng pakiramdam mo
bakit ka malungkot?
bakit kahit ipinakita mong malungkot ka walang lumapit sayo?
bakit walang naghahanap sayo?
bakit malaking bagay sayo ang hindi napapansin ng iba?
bakit parang binubulong sayo ng buong mundo na dapat lang na mag-isa ka?
bakit parang hindi ka mahalaga?
bakit pag sinubukan mong mawala, mas lalo ka lang madidismaya?

Nararamdaman mo tuloy na napakatoxic mong tao.

Dahil sa nararamdaman mo, dapat ka nilalayuan. Kaya mong kunin ang kaligayahan sa lahat ng magagandang bagay sa mundo.

Pinilit mong itago lahat yan para kahit minsan maramdaman mo kung paano mabuhay ng masaya, gumising na may ngiti sa mukha imbes na tumutulo ang luha. Magbabad sa ingay ng iba at hindi malunod sa iyong sariling isipan.

Pero na pagod ka.
Sa pagpilit mong pigilan ang lahat ng nararamdaman mo napansin mong maiiwan ka rin lang kasama ang mga bagay na tinatago mo, yung mga emosyon na hindi mo ipinakita dahil natatakot kang ito ang maging dahilan para iwan ka nila. Napagtanto mong hindi nakikita ng iba ang mga luha tumutulo sa likod ng iyong mga mata. Yung pawis mo dahil nahihirapan ka nang huminga dahil sinasakal ka na ng mga sarili mong sagot mo sa mga katanungan mo sa kanila.

Alam ko mahirap pero kaya mo yan.
Lilipas din yan. Magiging okay ang lahat. Nandito ako para sayo.

sana ngayon alam mo na.

Mabuhay ka para sa sarili mo.
Huwag ka nang umasa sa iba para sa kaligayahan mo.

Oras na para maging makasarili ka ulit.

If you feel like you don’t deserve how people are treating you, maybe they don’t deserve a person like you.

Flip the f*cking chapter. Move on.

Ganito Pala

Masaya ako na mahal pa rin kita.
Kahit hanggang dito lang talaga
Masaya pa rin ako na mahal kita.
Tanggap ko na, hindi na ako aasa

Ganito pala, pag nahanap mo na.
Magiging sumpa or gantimpala
Dahil minsan kailangan magparaya
Para sa taong sayo’y nagpapaligaya

Mahal kita, walang halong drama.
Ayaw kong mag move on sa’yo
Masaya akong minamahal kita
Mahal kita dahil dun ako masaya.

“Friendship – No – Friendship” Friendship

Kung napanood niyo yung movie na “Ang Babae sa Septic Tank” may scene doon na may 3 types of acting, namely: Elevator Acting, TV patrol Acting and “A is, where is” Acting.

Remember? Anyway ang focus natin as ang “As is, where is” Acting dahil mejo similar siya sa ipopoint out ko ngayon. Which is ang “Friendship – no – Friendship” Friendship.

Kabulol ba? Simple lang naman yan.

Yung friendship na parang hindi kayo friends sa mata ng iba pero alam niyo sa sarili niyo na magkaibigan kayo. Kampante sa isa’t isa kahit hindi nakikita ng iba. Yung parang pati DNA, mga ugat niyo sa katawan at thread of fate niyo eh magkadugtong na. Madalang kayo magkita, pero parang wala lang ang oras at distansya niyo sa lalim ng pagkakaibigan niyo. Hindi man kayo magkita ng matagal, walang nagbago. Yung parang kahapon lang yung huli niyong pagkikita. Walang excitement, pero hindi naman masyadong boring. Kaya magtataka yung ibang tao kung magkaibigan ba talaga kayo.

Friendship – no  – Frienship Friendship

Its not for everyone. Para sakin, sobrang taas ng level ng friendship na ito. May tendency kasing mamisinterpret ang non-excitement to neglect. Sa level of friendship na ito, importante din ang mutual understanding at trust. Nagkakaintindihan kayo na importante kayo sa isa’t isa, alam niyo ang place niyo sa buhay ng isa’t isa, at kilala niyo ang isa’t isa na alam niyo ang takbo nagpag-iisip. Nagkakasakitan, oo, hindi naman maiiwasan yan pero, nauuwi sa pagkakaunawaan.

Friendship – no – Friendship Friendship

Masarap siguro magkaganyan.

 

Jouska Quartius

Jouska – n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

I’m tired of suppressing my emotions.

As well as expressing my concern on people who don’t want them.

I react too little, I will be perceived as cold.

I react too much, I become annoying.

Jouska Tertius

Jouska – n. a hypothetical conversation that you compulsively play out in your head—a crisp analysis, a cathartic dialogue, a devastating comeback—which serves as a kind of psychological batting cage where you can connect more deeply with people than in the small ball of everyday life, which is a frustratingly cautious game of change-up pitches, sacrifice bunts, and intentional walks.

Habang nagbabasa ng mga report sa Starbucks….

A: Hindi ka nanaman nagsasalita, Yan.

L: Oo nga ngayon nga lang ulit tayo nagkasama.

C: (na-awkward ng kaunti) Ah sorry…Oo nga noh. Sensya nasanay na. Ano ba….hmmm. So far, recently na mimiss ko na naman si Rem. Nakikipag-away sa inner demons ko. Kayo ba anong bago? tagal na natin hindi nag – uusap eh.

A: Hay nako! (sabay irap) siya na naman?! Ewan ko sayo.

L: Akala ko ba okay na, besh?

C: Okay naman na talaga. (kinukumpas ang kamay)

A: Chuserey. (sabay higop sa drink niya)

C: OO NGA!!!….bitch. Kayo ba kamusta na kayo kay Ted???!!

L: Kalma mga beshies. Ako okay na me, wala na. (humigop ng drink niya)

A: I’m not sure. I think wala na.