My parents are on their way to work, our neighbors are fast asleep.
It’s 14 minutes past midnight and it’s time to what is commonly called as “break.”
You see for the past 2 months I started smoking again on a daily basis. Quarantine and liquor ban contributed to that vice to comeback after the first few months of this year trying to quit….but yeah shit happened.
Anyways, I had a terrible day today (which is still July 28 in my personal timezone). Terrible, in a sense that I recognize it as a trigger. So, tonight I had some thoughts that cannot fit in one tweet or I cannot seem to articulate in one so I’d rather place them here. Here it goes…
I realized that for almost 6 months the only normal thing that remained were the hours past midnight. Fewer cars passing by our street…a cool breeze…warm light from street lamps…
During this quarantine and its derivatives, I always had a normal night. Sure, I went out after work and stayed out past midnight but it wasn’t a regular thing. With the amount of things that are changing right now, that certainty that I will have a normal night tomorrow is comforting.
There are days (or nights) that change is good and easy to accept, but there are times that it is terrifying. The uncertainty of how things will change is like the smoke I inhaled from my cigarette but did not exhale…and basically clouded my thought for a moment. Then once the effect dissipates, a surge of thoughts to be anxious about hits me. I cannot go smoking for a lifetime to keep myself calm, hence it is referred to as a “break.”
As much as I want for things to go back to “normal,” it won’t and this crisis is far from being over. It was foolish of me to feel comfortable in this “stability” I currently have until one day it gets shaken up by a small detail. Adapting to change is often difficult, but it is something I have to go through.
Okay…I think I’m gonna have some soju.
Through the Closet 