Hindi ko inakala
Aking paubaya
Iyong binalewala
Kaya siya nag-iisa
Sana di na umasa at nagtiwala
Sa mabulaklak mong mga salita
Sana di naniwala na sa’yo siya sasaya
Isang pagkakataong, mapaminsala
Hindi ko na maibabalik ang nakaraan
Hindi ko maayos ang kasalukuyan
Ang bukas na aking tinatahak
Tila malayo at akin lamang
Kaya sa susunod na ako’y magmamahal
Di na magpaparaya, di na magpapaubaya
Dahil sa pagmamahal ko lang ako sigurado
Ako lang ang may kakayahan magbigay nito
Two years ago, on our first anniversary, my boyfriend and I took a trip to Hong Kong. One of the many souvenirs we brought home is a picture of us in Victoria Harbour printed on a ceramic plate.
That plate is now shattered on the floor of our unit.
A few days ago, I caught him cheating with the new nurse in his department. I had been in the laboratory for almost 2 weeks and I arrive home not expecting my boyfriend to be there as he had also been busy ever since this pandemic started. To my surprise, he was there. Sleeping soundly with another man in his arms. I was too tired to make a scene. I sat on the office chair at the corner of our bedroom. Looking at the mess they made, imagining how wild their night was while i was processing samples in a suit I cannot breathe in. I looked at him until he woke up.
And he did, he saw me, I saw him faintly smiling and about to greet me a good morning like he always does until he felt someone else lying with him in bed who is obviously isn’t me.
I’m not having it. I left. I have to sleep before things get shitty.
And now we’re here, he didn’t deny it and had been apologizing for the past hour. It was a moment of weakness for him, it meant nothing, he still loves me and will always choose me.
And I do too, but I want to make him understand. To make a point, that things will be different after this. A good change or a bad one, I do not know. I love him so much that I can easily let this go but I want to make things clear so we don’t have to go back to this everytime we fight.
And so I walked over to that ceramic plate, I looked at it. How happy we were. I handed it to him. I can see his tears welling up, confused with the gesture.
“Drop it.” i said calmly.
“Wha-“
“I said drop it, Please.”
He looked at it one last time. I hope he saw what I saw. Two guys who finally found each other, after a long series of rejection and failed relationships.
It broke into 4 pieces, with one piece smaller than the rest.
“Now, Fix it.” I asked, overwhelmed with my emotions.
He was surprised, but seemed to go along with it. Maybe he understood that he was not really in the position to complain.
We went dining table. Sitting opposite each other. He used the resin for one of his action figures. I just looked at him while recall our good memories. How I fell in love with him in the first place. In less that an hour, he was able to put it back together. I see a little proud smile on his face, thinking it’s already over.
He gave it to me. I looked at it once again. There’s a visible crack between us and coincidentally that one small piece had his face.
I let it go to shatter once more. I didn’t bother to look at him.
I went down on my knees to pick up the pieces, he lowered himself and tried to help but I refused. There’s around 20 pieces now. Some pieces were chipped.
“Can you stay there and watch like I did?” I asked
He nodded.
I used the remaining resin to put each piece together. He sat there in silence until I heard him sobbing. It took me more than 2 hours to put the pieces together and make my point. Our relationship will no longer be like the way it used to, but to make it work again…. It will take time.
I hugged him…and kissed him as warm as I could. And as I looked through his teary eyes.
“It will take time.”
My parents are on their way to work, our neighbors are fast asleep.
It’s 14 minutes past midnight and it’s time to what is commonly called as “break.”
You see for the past 2 months I started smoking again on a daily basis. Quarantine and liquor ban contributed to that vice to comeback after the first few months of this year trying to quit….but yeah shit happened.
Anyways, I had a terrible day today (which is still July 28 in my personal timezone). Terrible, in a sense that I recognize it as a trigger. So, tonight I had some thoughts that cannot fit in one tweet or I cannot seem to articulate in one so I’d rather place them here. Here it goes…
I realized that for almost 6 months the only normal thing that remained were the hours past midnight. Fewer cars passing by our street…a cool breeze…warm light from street lamps…
During this quarantine and its derivatives, I always had a normal night. Sure, I went out after work and stayed out past midnight but it wasn’t a regular thing. With the amount of things that are changing right now, that certainty that I will have a normal night tomorrow is comforting.
There are days (or nights) that change is good and easy to accept, but there are times that it is terrifying. The uncertainty of how things will change is like the smoke I inhaled from my cigarette but did not exhale…and basically clouded my thought for a moment. Then once the effect dissipates, a surge of thoughts to be anxious about hits me. I cannot go smoking for a lifetime to keep myself calm, hence it is referred to as a “break.”
As much as I want for things to go back to “normal,” it won’t and this crisis is far from being over. It was foolish of me to feel comfortable in this “stability” I currently have until one day it gets shaken up by a small detail. Adapting to change is often difficult, but it is something I have to go through.
Okay…I think I’m gonna have some soju.
[02/09/19]
Kase, kahit mag stick ako sa isang crush o magkacrush ako ng madami…. Sabihan ko man siya o silang lahat… Wala namang nangyayare.
The idea of commitment, fidelity or anything that has to do with two people loving each other remains a mystery to me. Things I stopped believing in to be honest.
I lost myself trying to understand love, driving me to the point of exhaustion and yet it remained elusive to me. What could have I done in my previous life to be living this life?
[01/30/19]
1.
How am I as a boyfriend? It’s not that I don’t know how to take care of my partner but I realized that he has a mind of his own..how he views me will always be entirely up to him.
2.
You know that part of the film where the vibrant scene slowly fades into a monotonous one….. That is what’s happening right now.
3.
I feel like Dorian Gray…. The one stuck in the canvass.
4.
Relationships are not just for beautiful people. I have seen a lot of beautiful people who are happily single.
5.
Is better to be with someone to accept you for who you are or someone who would always push to be better?
6.
Be at your worst and if they love you, they can love the rest or be at your best because no one deserves any less. Be at your worst, you’re pathetic. Be at your best, you’re intimidating.
7.
I’m not sure which one is scarier, romanticizing the idea of love so much that you see it with everyone or slowly giving it up that you fail to see it with anyone.
8.
May nahanap ka pero, ayaw sa’yo.
May dumating pero, ayaw mo.
Gusto ang isa’t isa, pero kailangan itago sa iba. Akala ng iba kayo, pero hindi talaga kayo talo.
9.
Mabilis makuha pero mabilis mawala.
Matagal hinintay pero pang habangbuhay.
Bakit parang ang hirap na piliin yung pangalawa?
10.
Bakit hindi ka mahal ng taong mahal mo?
Nasubukan mo na ba mahalin ang taong hindi mo talaga mahal? Hindi, kasi pointless. Mahirap na nga, nakasakit ka pa.
[01/11/19]
Do you ever feel like you’re surrounded by these amazing people with their quirks or things only they can do? And the only way you can measure up to them is to be beside them and support them because that’s what you do best… Being the best friend who seem to have no problems, a sturdy shoulder to lean on and a pillow to absorb all the pain and tears? To be naturally unconditional and selfless.
Will you be in constant fear that one day these people will no longer be around you, will be loved by another person, or will meet someone who can give/do what you cannot? Slowly they’ll fade out of your life simply because they have found you in another person.
Are you okay with that?
[01/4/19]
Don’t you just love the idea of someone holding your hand, pulling you towards him in the middle of the night. While everyone was sleeping, you were living your dream.
It’s 1am, 12 hours ago you’re nothing but a speck of dust in this bustling city but right now you exist and you’re not alone. Both of you can claim the city as yours and just be who you are.
It’s fascinating how two souls connect. It may happen instantly or mature over time.
[12/28/18]
“You create your own plot twist.”
That’s what I learned the last quarter of 2018.
In order for me to get what I want, I must do something about it. Before I act, I should have an idea of what am risking, weigh what I’m about to lose and what I could gain. I came to realize that the universe can only provide me with opportunities and it’s up to me if I have the guts to grab it.
[11/11/18]
For those who love someone and loved back
Make time for them, cherish them, love them
A million things could have possibly gone wrong
Yet, one possibility turned to reality, you together
[11/7/2018]
One day you will hold someone again
Give him that place no one has occupied
To kiss out of love and not of loneliness
A memory that will make you smile
And not shake your head
It’s Christmas Season once again
Hoping Christmas songs won’t feel sad anymore
I wish for arms around my neck instead of a scarf
I wish for hand clasping mine instead of gloves
I wish for someone instead of a jacket
What a problematic hopeless romantic you say
Forgive me for wishing a Christmas I never had
But this is my happiness, and everyone deserves to be happy during this yuletide season, even me
Through the Closet 